The Love of My Life is someone who I once knew and since I a up late I thought I would write about him because it's good to share positive memories. I'll try to keep the negative ones to myself.

The love of my life was so much to me. He was my father, my brother, my best friend, my lover, and my soulmate. He meant everything to me. I remember seeing his gorgeous blue eyes for the first time and thinking how I must be in heaven because regular people don't have eyes that color - he must be an angel! And so he was for some time.

I loved laughing with him and sharing music with him. We liked a lot of the same 80's music! We loved to travel by car and I knew that when we did that we'd be spending more time together. I really loved just being alone with him.

All my weaknesses were his strengths and vice versa. We seemed to compliment eachothers lives so perfectly. There wasn't a challenge we couldn't face and overcome.

He shared his life with me and helped me see what he was like as a child. I think we may have gotten along wonderfully as children. I could always imagine him running through the woods with his dog, getting all dirty. The stories he told me were somewhat enchanting and when I got to walk through the places he explored as a child, I felt so much more closer to him.

Sometimes he needed help with little things - things that I was really good at. I loved being able to help him. It made me feel needed.

I loved the way he used to hug me and give me lots of attention. I always felt like I was the center of his world. That felt so good. I would have trusted him with my life. I knew that he loved me for me and I thought that wouldd never change. I just knew that we would grow old together.

We always talked about our retirement dream home and how our kids would come over for holidays and swim in that pool we never had before. I had a lot of dreams at night about us in that house. I could draw a floor plan if you asked me to. It was a beautiful home with all the things we both liked so much from viewing other homes over the years.

I tried so hard to love him. But when you don't love yourself anymore it's so very hard to love anyone else. I wish I could go back and change so many things. I wish I could tell him that I love him every morning. Maybe that would have made a difference in how he treated me. Should I have brought home more mint chocolate chip ice cream? Maybe I shouldn't have encouraged him to buy that car. Perhaps he'd have spent more time focusing on our marriage. Perhaps when he asked me if he should take a medical discharge I should have said yes. Then he wouldn't have been away from us so much. I don't know where I went wrong. But enough, this is supposed to be positive! Right?

I remember when he collapsed during a race and I got a phone call to come to the hospital. I could hear my heart beating the whole drive over there. It was so loud. I don't think he ever knew how much that hurt seeing him in that hospital bed barely able to move or talk. He had been the strong one, how could he just collapse!? My heart smiled when he recovered and the doctors said he would be ok. That was scary, kind of like now.

He did so many things so well. Things I could never do. Not because I don't want to but because they are hard for me. He washed the dishes every night, which I could never do. Maybe I could, but it would probably kill me! He could get up and take the kids to school every morning so easily. That's something that's been hard for me. Maybe it's from depression. Maybe I'm just lazy. It's probably a combination of both!

I pray that I can be more like him in all the positive ways that I remember and loved. I know that I'll have to be a Mother and a Father to our children now like I have had to do so many times before in his temporary absences. I think that focusing on positive memories and remembering that he is the love of my life will help me forget the negative times. If it doesn't help me forget then maybe at least I can forgive which is something I have been unable to do. Maybe if I close my eyes right now and take myself back to one of those awesome memories I can stop crying...for a moment. Maybe if I tell myself over and over again that he really does love me, I can make it through the day.

I don't know when he left. Perhaps he left little by little over the years. A piece of him still exhists in the man. But I rarely had seen him lately.

I really miss him, the love of my life.